The Truth About Heaven
by Mezzanottex3
Summary: I came down here to tell you... it rains in Heaven all day long. I want to find you so bad... and let you know I'm miserable up here without you. ::Edward/Bella:: ::oneshot::


**The Truth About Heaven (-oneshot-)  
**By Mezzanottex3

-

-

-

_But that's not why I'm here_—

_I came down here to tell you..._

_It rains in Heaven all day long._

_I want to find you so bad & let you know_

_I'm miserable up here without you._

* * *

Edward took slow, painful steps into the Forks Cemetery. It was raining again.

_She_ had always hated the rain.

And now _he_ was starting to hate the rain. Even though it was a gentle drizzle, his heart was flooding with emotion.

_Drip-_

_Drip-_

_Drip-_

The rain slid off his (messier than usual) bronze hair, and his eyes were filled with anguish and pain. In his hand he carried a magnificent bouqet of all different types of the freesia flower. The flower that reminded him - painfully- of _her._

_Drip-_

_Drip-_

_Drip-_

The trees were quite nearly bare. The full effects of fall were coming into play. He took a deep, uneven breath and continued to walk. A breeze picked up and blew leaves off of many surrounding trees.

It was dark.

Very dark.

There was a full moon, and it shone on the graves- illuminating them. His steps were silent over the fallen leaves until he finally came to a hault. He looked directly to the left- and his eyes scanned the gravestone. All he read was the name. That's all he had to read.

_..Isabella Marie Swan.._

He closed his eyes and stood that way for a long moment. This had been his fault.

All his fault.

He looked upwards towards the full moon, his eyes squinted because of the rain- and he inhaled deeply. He missed her scent so badly. He missed being close to her. He missed holding her warm body in his arms.

He missed her, and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.

So there was only thing he could do.

He would join her.

_Drip-_

_Drip-_

_Drip-_

With a painful movement, he placed the flowers before her grave. Thunder rumbled far in the distance. A storm was coming; he had smelled it in the air the moment he arrived at the cemetary. But nothing could keep him away from what he loved.

Not anymore.

As he placed the flowers down, his knees buckled and he fell onto them. His head slumped and his arms hung lifeless at his sides.

_I am nothing without you-_

In his pocket, he pulled out a note he had written for her. He wanted her to read it. He had brought it with him and had planned to read it to her-

- but he realized he didn't have the strength-

_... the will-_

... to read the messy words of anguish on the folded paper.

His eyes stung with tears that would never fall- with pain that everyone could plainly see.

_"It was my fault..."_ he tells himself and everyone around him. No matter what anyone else said could convince him otherwise.

He couldn't believe that his last words to her were words of rejection. It weighed heavily on his head- on his unbeating heart- on everything around him... Alice had seen this coming- she had called him several times...

... _"but I wasn't fast enough. I couldn't save her."_

With the speed he possessed, not even he could save her from the rough ocean waves on time. He coud not save her from the last breaths she had taken- from the last jump she would take...

... he did not even come in time to hear the words she spoke on her last breath.

_Goodbye. I love you._

That's what everyone told him that she said. On her last breath she confessed her love to him after all he had done to her.

After he left her-

-

_"You... don't... want me?"_

_"No."_

-

He choked on tearless sobs, digging a small hole in the ground near her stone and placing his note inside.

-

_"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?"_

_She nodded helplessly._

-

With one last effort, he covered the note with the soft dirt as the rain began to fall even harder- drenching his clothes.

-

_"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me._

_... It will be as if I'd never existed."_

-

"Oh, Bella..." Edward murmured aloud. "I'm so sorry I left you... I thought I was protecting you..."

Edward stayed with his knees on the grass, his hands at his sides once more. Guilt hit him like a wrecking ball.

-

_"Goodbye, Bella."_

_"Wait!" she choked out, reaching for him._

_She thought he was reaching for her, too. But his cold hands locked around her wrists and pinned them to her sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to her forehead for the brieftest instant. Her eyes closed._

_"Take care of yourself," he breathed._

_There was a light, unnatural breeze. Her eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of his passage._

_He was gone._

-

"I shouldn't have left!" Edward choked out, his bottled-up emotions pouring before the gravestone- before _Bella_. "It was a lie, Bella! I thought I was protecting you from _myself,_ from what I was!"

His voice was drowned in the night air and lightning struck in the sky. The rain was coming down hard now- his hair was plastered against his face.

"The pain of being away from you-" Edward choked out, "It hurt so much, Bella... so much..."

Rivulets of water streamed down Edward's face as he choked on tears that wouldn't come. That would never come.

"I'm going to join you, Bella..." Edward whimpered. "Tomorrow is my last day in Forks-"

_My last day on earth._

He was confessing his feelings and his planned actions into the night.

It didn't matter.

He knew Bella was listening.

"... and I'm going to join you."

The rain fell down harder.

-

-

-

Bella was crying. Her feelings expressed through the pouring rain. Edward had come to visit her grave and she watched him confess himself to her.

He _did_ love her.

He thought he was protecting her...

The guilt in his face was unmistakable and Bella couldn't take it. Edward could not see her. He could not hear her.

But she felt that he knew she was there the whole time.

He had told her he was going to commit suicide and join her. She would not take this. This was too much. He had a family- he had friends...

... she could not let him simply leave it all behind-

... for her.

When Edward left, Bella picked up the note that he had buried.

**Walked past my grave in the dark tonight—  
**  
**Saw the stone and the note you left for me.**

With fragile hands, she opened the note. His calligraphy was exactly how she had remembered. Perfect.

_My Love, My Life, My Everything..._

_I know with what I did, I do not deserve forgiveness. I will never forgive myself, but I can't help but beg for your forgiveness..._

_... everyone tells me that it wasn't my fault for what you did._

_But I know it was, Bella..._

_... because I felt what you felt when I left._

_The pain. All the pain. I could see it in your eyes when I lied to you... you believed me so quickly, without a doubt._

_To you, my words meant everything. I know that now. Now that it's too late. Now that I've lost everything that holds meaning to me._

_In my mind, it was me who did this to you- not yourself._

_I can't live with that fact. I can't live knowing that you died because of me and your last breath was a whisper of affection for me._

_For a man who told you he didn't want you._

_It's killing me._

_I've never felt so much pain._

_So much grief._

_So much agony._

_I want to go where you are._

_I will meet up with you soon._

_I love you._

_You are everything to me. Everything I'm not. Everything I want._

_Wait for me._

_-Edward_

Bella crumpled the note tightly in her hand. Tears fell from her chocolate-brown eyes. The white dress that adorned her flowed freely in a non-existant breeze. The water droplets did not touch her. She was immune to nature's forces now.

Heaven had it's perks.

**To answer your question—**

**I just had to leave, I just had to leave.**

-

-

-

It was the afternoon following the night that Edward had visited Bella's grave. The sun was shining and Edward hated it. He cursed under his breath as his Volvo stopped at the end of the desolate dirt road. He took a step out and the sunlight hit him.

He frowned.

The sunlight used to always warm him- but since the day that Bella walked into his life, nothing could warm him more than her.

He looked at trees that lined his route. He was off to his meadow.

Her meadow.

_Their meadow._

Memories shot at him like painful daggers, piercing through his skin ever so slowly.

-

_"Are we there yet?" Bella teased._

_"Nearly." He smiled. "Do you see the brightness ahead?"_

_"Um, should I?"_

_He smirked. "Maybe it's a bit too soon for your eyes."_

_"Time to visit the optometrist," she muttered._

_He smirked._

-

Memories- memories from the first time he had taken Bella to his secret place- his hidden getaway...

It hurt.

It hurt worse than he expected.

He debated getting back into this car and driving away from the meadow- as far away as he could without a second glance or thought. He shrugged off the thought, thinking that Bella would want this for him.

He would do anything for her.

He proceeded, in human speed like he had with Bella, through the trees.

-

-

-

Bella walked with him. Right by his side.

He could not see her.

He could not sense her.

He could not smell her.

But she was there, adorned in her flowing white dress and beautiful white wings.

He was walking at human pace, which surprised Bella.

**But that's not why I'm here...**

He hated walking slow, so she couldn't quite place _why_ he _was_ walking slow. She watched his face as they walked together. He was re-living scenes in his head- she could tell. She knew him well.

Perhaps better than he knew himself.

Perhaps better than she knew herself.

There was a far-off look on his face.

"Bella..." he murmured.

Pain tugged at her heart. He was calling out to her and nothing she could do would let him know that she was there. With him.

The rest of the walk was silence, until they arrived at the meadow.

He froze for a moment, his eyes scanning the grass and the flowers. His eyes fixed on a certain spot and he walked- _slowly_- towards it.

It was the place he and Bella sat all that time ago. Maybe he could still smell traces of her there.

He sat down carefully and then laid down, closing his eyes. He put both of his hands behind his head. He drew in a breath and did not let go.

Bella sat down next to him and smiled at him. She reached out- ever so gently- to him. Her hand touched his the side of his cold face she gently caressed it.

**I came down here to tell you...**

**It rains in Heaven all day long...**

Edward's eyes opened slowly and he did not move. His frown carefully turned into a smile and he let out his breath.

Bella pulled her hand back in shock.

There were rules. He could not feel her or see her... smell her or hear her. Why was he reacting like he could?

His face pulled down into a frown once more the moment her hand away. His body grew tense, and something close to a pout came on his face. His eyes opened and he looked in the direction where she was sitting.

"This isn't possible... you... can't know I'm here... it's _impossible..._" Bella murmured.

Slowly, she reached back over to him and caressed his face once more. A smile touched her heavenly features.

"Oh, Edward... you're just how I remember..." she whispered, her eyes sparkling with tears.

Her fears, worries, and insecurities melted away.

And then a smile touched his lips and his tenseness calmed. He relaxed and closed his eyes. He began to humm...

... her lullaby.

Bella's tears spilled over.

**I wanna find you so bad and let you know...**

**I'm miserable up here without you.**

Bella's hand went down Edward's face to his neck. It was muscular and strong and she smiled. She had been wanting to feel him this way for a long time.

He would always pull away because he had to hold back.

Bella sighed and pulled her hand away. Her hand tingled with displeasure at the certain lack of touch but she ignored it.

"Don't stop..." a velvet voice murmured.

Bella's eyes shot wide open.

Edward's eyes were closed.

"Bella..." he said, his voice pleading. "I know you're here..."

Bella didn't respond, she just stared at him speechless- incredulous.

"... please don't leave."

"Edward..." she whimpered.

"-I don't know if you can hear me or not..." Edward continued.

Bella took a deep breath.

He had not heard her.

"... but I love you. Do you hear me? _I love you so much_."

"I love you too..." she replied weakly.

"I'm sorry for what I did. I never meant to lie to you. I'm _miserable here without you_-"

Tears trickled down Bella's cheeks as she wept, pulling her hands to her face. Edward was silent then, and he sighed.

"Somehow, I feel that you're here now..." Edward said softly, looking up at the sky. "Don't ask me how, because I'm not exactly sure. Just... I feel so calm right now. Content. Like you're laying right next to me."

Bella looked up at him.

He stretched out his right arm while keeping the other one behind his head.

"I may be dilusional," he chuckled. "But if you are here, do you mind laying in my arms?"

Bella nodded quickly and laid down against his out-stretched arm. She rested her head on his chest, listening to him breathe in and out.

**Found my way back in the dark tonight...**

**Couldn't wake up not right next to you—**

He smiled and closed his eyes.

"You _are_ here..." he whispered low to himself.

Bella smiled with him, tears still running down her cheeks.

"You're probably a beautiful angel," he said softly. "I want to join you— wherever you are. I hope that I'm allowed into the gates of Heaven."

"Please don't do this-" Bella spoke as if he could hear her. "Your family- Carlisle and-"

"- and don't try to stop me, love. I want to be with you. So badly-"

"Edward—"

"... more than anything I've ever craved. More than blood..."

"—please don't do this to your family..."

"... I _need_ to be with you."

**I'd trade in forever to just hear you say...**

**The sound of my name.**

Moments of silence passed between them. She could not let this happen, she decided. She didn't want to be selfish and just let him kill himself to be with her. Carlisle and Esme... Alice and Jasper... Rosalie and Emmett...

... they were his family.

She could not let him leave them.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't right.

Even though she wanted it desperately.

Needed it desperately.

"Please don't do this," Bella whispered to him.

Edward's eyes opened.

"I can hear your voice," he whispered. "I can hear your voice on the wind's breath."

Bella's eyes widened and she sat up. Edward's body tingled at the sensation of her not being in his arms anymore.

"Say something..." Edward begged.

"Edward, don't do this..." she whispered.

He closed his eyes slowly and drew in a breath.

"Your voice is even more beautiful than I remember."

"—you can hear me?" Bella whispered.

Edward chuckled.

"Yes, love. I _can_ hear you. It's very faint... like you're whispering to me from across the field... but if I listen close enough..."

"Well... then... good!" Bella said. "Then listen to this: do _not_ try to join me. This is my mistake, not yours."

"I w_ant _this, my Bella. I want _you_. I choose you more than _breath,_ more than _life_."

**But that's not why I'm here—**

**I came down here to tell you...**

"I can't let you leave your family."

"Are you going to try and stop me?" he chuckled.

Bella sighed.

"Listen, this may be the only time you'll be able to hear me... I want you to understand that I love you more than _anything_. I care for you too much to let you leave your family. I'll be alright in Heaven. You'll never guess what job they gave me."

Edward stayed silent. She couldn't tell if he was listening or if he couldn't hear her anymore.

"— I get to be your guardian angel."

Edward's eyes opened again and a smile touched his features.

"That's no surprise," he whispered. "You were always my angel."

Bella smiled.

"So I guess that's why you can hear me... or feel me next you sometimes."

And then it was Edward's turn to smile.

"... I'm grateful for that."

"I am too," Bella said, smiling. "But, Edward, please live your life... don't end it because of me."

Edward was silent.

**It rains in Heaven all day long.**

**All day long.**

"I'll always be with you here..." Bella whispered to him.

"It won't be the same. I need to feel you again."

"I know it won't be the same... but-"

"Bella-"

"— If you love me, you will not end your life."

Edward fell silent.

"You can't do that," Edward whispered softly. "That's cheating."

"It's perfectly fair," Bella teased, kissing his cheek.

Edward smiled, "Will I always be able to feel you and hear you this way? When can I see you? I can't feel you very well- but I can feel where you're touching me- my body tingles-"

Bella giggled and Edward chuckled.

"I _need_ to see you..." he begged. "Please... Bella? Are you still here?"

"I don't think you're even supposed to hear or feel me in the first place," Bella replied. "And I doubt you'll ever see me."

**I want to find you and let you know**—

**I'm miserable up here without you.**

"... hm." Edward's reply showed disappointment. "How do I know I'm not going crazy? That my mind is giving me what I want?"

"I promise you that you're not going crazy-" she laughed softly.

"That's exactly what I'd want you to say," he replied, unconvinced.

_How can I make you see that this is really me?_

"Before you, Edward, my life was like a moonless night..." she began, containing her laughter. "Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. Then you shot across my sky like a meteor... Suddenly, everything-"

"- was on fire; there was was brilliancy, there was beauty." He cut in, "When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. And there was no more reason for anything."

Bella's gaze upon Edward softened when she saw the smile on his face.

"It is pretty ironic, isn't it?" he teased. "Now I'm the one who needs the convincing."

"Always know that I'm always going to be with you. No matter what," Bella replied.

Her voice was getting harder to hear.

"I can barely hear you," Edward sat up in alarm. He reached his hand out forward, a plea for her to take it.

She took it, and wasn't sure if he could feel it or not.

He smiled though.

Which was a good thing.

"If you ever want to speak to me again, come back to this meadow..." Bella whispered.

"I think I'll lay here forever..." Edward whimpered.

And then, Bella's voice drowned out to him and he could no longer hear her. He took a deep breath, sighing. Although he could just barely hear her before, it was completely silent now.

He didn't know if she wasn't talking or if he just couldn't hear her anymore.

His eyes closed and the sunlight shone off of his skin.

He was conflicted. He didn't know whether he should join her or do what she had said:

_"— If you love me, you will not end your life."  
_  
He needed her so desperately. To feel her and keep her next to him forever.

He decided to lay there... just a bit longer... before he made his decision...

... because he could feel her warmth. It overpowered even the sun's rays.

She was still here.

Next to him.

It was as alive as he'd ever felt in a long while.

"_My_ guardian angel..." he whispered to himself.

And then Bella's voice came upon the wind's breath, "_Your_ guardian angel..."

**Don't believe that it's better when you leave everything behind-**

**Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die.**

* * *

_If you hadn't noticed, I'm having a bit of a writer's block issue. Thus why I can't bring myself to update Eat You Alive. I did write most of it, but I just... don't like what I wrote LOL. It has no feeling in it and I keep changing my my mind..._

_So this is a oneshot, but I don't know if I should continue it or not. Forgive the spelling errors. The song I used for this oneshot is by Armor For Sleep... "The Truth About Heaven"._

_I need to... vent... if you will, with oneshots. So I'm going to publish some & then hopefully I can freakin update Eat You Alive -.-"_

_-Mezzanottex3_


End file.
